Projecting the future

You know, we alcoholics have a bad habbit of projecting, or "predicting", the future. My daughter (who is living away from me with her mother right now) turned sixteen this week. I was sure there would be a party, but had heard no mention of it. Her birthday was today, Saturday but I figured the party would be at the barn where she boards her two horses tomorrow. When Id heard nothing by Friday, I was sure her mother had decided not to invite me over. "How could she! How DARE her not tell me about my own daughters sixteenth birthday party!"
Never mind the fact that I was the recovering alcoholic dad, and mabye mom would feel uncomfortable if I were there. Never mind the fact that in actuality, this day would be my DAUGHTER'S day.. I felt like I should be there. Me Me Me! How selfish of me.

After a day of some self indulging pity and much worrying I became convinced. They were going to have the party without poor ol dad. In my my mind I pictured my daughter asking me why I hadnt showed up for her party. Another one of moms screw ups I thought. Id explain that mom must hate dad. Id tell her all the things mom ever did wrong. Id get even! Then of course Id have to deal with my wife. I pictured the argument. She'd tell me I was wrong for telling my daughter all those things. Id respond with one nasty comment after another. I thought up just the right things to say to make her feel guilty.

As yesterday wore on I became more and more upset. The day went terribly. Work was like trudging through thick mud, and I was full of resentment and pain, and getting madder by the minute. Finally at home last night I sat down at my desk with my coffee, feeling utterly helpless and rejected. When would I find out they'd had the party? How long would it take me to get over the hurt? How would it affect my daughter? Would this ruin all chances of my wife and I ever reconciling?

The phone rang at eight thirty. It was my daughter. "Dad, arent you comming over?" I was flabbergasted.
"was I supposed to?" I asked. "why would I?"

"tonights my party, I thought I told you"...
Why do we want to predict how bad things will always be? Why do we glory in self pitty, especially false pity?
We couldnt run the world when we were drunk, and we sure as hell can't run it now. I should have just trusted God. He runs things, not I.
(It was a great little party, no one felt uncomfortable, and she even opened dads gift first)

Reader Interaction

If you have an interesting alcohol related story, an article, or would just like to make a post related to this topic you might feel would be valuable to other readers, please email me by clicking the email link in the sidebar of my main page. Let me know who you are, and a few details about what you have in mind, and I'll send you the info on how to create your very own post on this blog. Thanks for visiting today.

Andrew

My Story (part one)

I was born in Akron, Ohio, in 1961. The son of a proud and strong man, a mason, and his wife, the mother of my six brothers and two sisters. I attended a babtist church in my early childhood, learned manners, obediance, and good moral values. My parents provided an excellent upbringing. We never went hungry, we had nice clothes and hair cuts, and knew what was right and wrong. We had nice hollidays. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter... Always a great Thanksgiving feast. My mother stayed at home, and my father was self employed. He layed brick, his father layed brick, and his father... well lets just say the skill had been passed down since when folks made their own brick from raw materials. I often marvel at what determination it must have taken for them to raise nine children.

There was never alcohol in the house. There was no abuse. We were all loved and taken well care of. I can attribute my alcoholic life style to nothing in my childhood at home.
I was an average student, but kept to myself quite a bit during my school years. Tall and skinny, and not very coordinated, I did not do well in any sports. I couldnt dribble a basketball, climb a rope, or run very fast. I was, in the student body circles, known as one of the "weaklings".

I had but a few friends. One or two other quiet kids like myself, and usually one BIG guy, who no one would mess with. I could always run to him when the other students threatened me. My parents would not allow any of us to smoke, and we were taught well about the dangers of addictions, drugs, alcohol, ciggerettes, ect. I swore from an early age Id never drink or do drugs. I just couldnt understand how anyone could let some kind of chemical control their mind or their actions.

I did understand being left out though. I hated school because in my mind, no one liked me. I wanted so badly to be "someone". In my senior year I learned how to make friends. If I could just do what some of the other kids did, I found they didnt make fun of me. Since I couldnt do sports, I found a few kids that liked to smoke in the bathroom and get high on reefer during lunch. That I could do. Suddenly I had not just two or three friends... I was part of a GROUP of friends. The last few months of school, the last few months of a long twelve years, I felt like I was actually having fun at school. I didnt attend graduation. I didnt even attend school on the last day. I never picked up my diploma or a yearbook.

I went straight about the buisness of making new friends. I discovered new things quicly with my new friends. Speed, qualudes, opium, hashish. I liked the affects of drugs. I never got so wasted that I lost functionability or self controll. I just loved a good buzz. But it was expensive. And illegal. Around the age of ninteen or twenty, I met a guy named Bob. He loved to fish. He fished every single day. And he drank beer.

update

Over the next few days, I'll be putting links to my first four posts over in the sidebar... I think first time visitors here should read those posts first. I'll also be adding more links under the "usefull" links section. We have one link trade so far, and tomorrow I'll be adding an email contact link so others can contact me about linking their sites/blogs. I'm excited about this whole project. The pace will be picking up soon, as the search engines pick us up and others start to visit and post comments and or questions. We're hoping to be able to reach out to many who may have problems and together mabye find workable solutions where there were none before.

Your not alone

If youve been reading over my previous posts and your still here, something must have caught your attention. I'm glad. It may some day save your life. Did you know that out of the millions and millions of alcoholics in the world, only three percent ever quit and never drink again? Some might say, "wow! the odds are really against me!"
I look at it like this. If you are able to quit, and completely recover (meaning you never drink again) then you are, by some miracle, in a very elite group.
What a gift! It's important to know that you are not the only one out there with this disease. It's also VERY important that you realize that you are NOT the only person that has made some very very bad mistakes. We all have. I once thought I'd done some of the most terrible things imaginabe while I was drinking. Surly, no one had been as bad as I. I soon found out through talking to other alcoholics, that other folks had done things as bad, even worse. Far worse as a matter of fact. It's true. No matter what youve done, no matter how meen you were/are when you drink, no matter what dispicable, immoral, or unlawfull acts youve commited ... your not alone.
As alcoholics we have had a warped sense of judgement. All of us. Thats what alcohol does to a person. So please, quit feeling sorry for yourself, quit beating yourself up over what youve done in the past, and start thinking of the future. Theres hope for you. And help. There is a way you can rid yourself of these past actions for good. And make sure you never make those mistakes again. Step one is deciding youve had enough. Alcohol has controlled your life for far too long. It's time you you took back control of your life! Make that decision and your already on your way to fixing many broken things.
If youd like to find out more, visit the links on my main page. If you know you need help, and need it now, theres some twentyfour hour hotlines available in those links right under the picture of the man with the bottle. That picture describes how I was ... And mabye how you feel right now. Feel free to leave a comment by clicking on "comments" right below this post. If you have a question, I'll try to awnser you in my next update. (I update this blog daily). If I dont have an awnser, I'll point you in the right direction. I have many friends and collegues that are very experianced in the subject of alcoholism. Thanks for stopping by today.

An Alcoholics Story

"All was fine and cozy in my loving family and in myself as a young child, but as I began to get a little older, things began to happen inside of myself. It began with hearing whispered conversations that contained my name. I don't recall all of the things that were said, but one I do remember was, "It was the fever she had, that's why she is the way she is". I remember times when I got a bad grade and my parents would say, "why can't you be more like Deni and David?"
During that time of my childhood, I built two new rooms onto my home. One was called, "confusion" and the other called, "worthless." I would go into these rooms when I was troubled with myself and try to piece together what it was that was wrong with me. I never found the answer and maybe there never was a question, but it must have been built next to my "comfotable with me" room because even though I felt worthless, I knew that I wasn't."
Read Full Story
This story was copied with permision from Gramma Mae. Thank you ......

Am I an alcoholic?

A commonly asked question among those who drink. You may hear some say, "Only you know", or "only you can admit that". While it's true, one of the first steps to recovery is admidtance, there are some very plain tell tale ways to determine if one is, indeed, an alcoholic. Heres a few things you can ask yourself.
"Do I drink more than once a week, or do I drink heavily at least once a week?
"Do I drink concistantly, that is, be it only one drink or several, do I look forward to having it at a particular time/day/week?
Do I find it hard to stop after one or two drinks?
Does drinking tend to be my form of relaxation after a hard day or stressfull situation?
Have I ever said "I should stop drinking" but havnt yet?
These are just a few of the clues of course, other more obviouse signs are "I drink till I pass out"
"I dont remember what I did" and "my drinking affects my family, social, or buisness life"
In most cases, if your totaly honest with yourself, (wich by the way doesnt meen you admit anything to anyone else) but are simply in your own heart of hearts square with your SELF alone... you know if you have a problem with alcohol. Once you have asked yourself "Am I an alcoholic?" the awnser is already painfully clear.